When I Can't Sleep

I'm having a hard time sleeping. And it's not because there's anything the matter or any serious decision pressing on my mind--I am just having some difficulty getting the wheels in my head to stop turning long enough for me to get some shut eye. So here I am.

When I can't sleep I think about a lot of things. I revisit old memories to help calm me down. I remember specific moments from the months Ryan and I spent dating. The moments involving James Taylor and sprinklers and engagement rings. I thought I loved him then, and I suppose I did. But things are so much different now. Better.

And then I think of our baby girl, sleeping just across the hall. She is growing to be so beautiful, so full of personality, so fun to be around. I can see bits of her personality now. She is smart and resourceful and patient and social. 

When I can't sleep, my thoughts never stay in one place for long. I think about the book I'm writing and how I'm worried it isn't good enough. I know in the morning my confidence will return, but at night it's hard to be sure how it will all turn out. I think about the weight I've gained since we moved back to Provo and I stopped going to the gym so often. I think about getting a baby sitter for Thursday night and making dinner tomorrow and finishing that throw pillow I cut out today but never got around to sewing. 

I think about weekend plans. The temple dedication in a few weeks. The Little League World Series. My nieces and nephew starting college. General Conference. I think about the possibility of moving back to Texas. I remember I need to call the bank tomorrow and look for a new Internet provider and confirm my doctor appointment. I think I need to call and congratulate my friend on her new baby and my other friend on her pregnancy. Then I start to think I am getting old because all my friends are having babies. Then I think I'm glad I'm getting older.

I think about what I was like one, three, five years ago and I can see I'm getting better. That I'm slowly, steadily becoming more like the woman I imagined as I lay awake another night long ago. That night, I thought about my talents and searched my heart for my secret, biggest dreams and made plans for the woman I wanted to be. Tonight, I can see I'm getting there. I hope so, at least.

Tomorrow I will work on the to-do list. I will keep working on my book (with newfound confidence) and I will shower my baby with a hundred kisses, five bottles, a few diaper changes and a nice bubble bath. I will ask Ryan about his programming assignment and I will read from the Book of Mormon. I will probably watch one of the Harry Potter movies while I sew up that pillow and cook dinner. 

I hope that, one day at a time and with the occasional sleepless night, I am becoming the woman I want to be.

Good night.