A New Goal

First of all, I want to thank you for all the love and support you've sent our way since the last post. We have the best friends and family in the world, and we can feel your prayers working. Thank you for your love, and keep the prayers coming!

Well, guys, I was a lot more excited about keeping you all updated when I thought we'd have good news.

I woke up Friday morning to my doctor knocking on my door. It was time for my ultrasound, even though it wasn't scheduled until 10:30.

"They can get you in early!" she said. "Let's see if we can get you out of here."

Most recent ultrasound photo of the cute little reason for all this fuss. 

She explained that if the scan showed any remnants of that funneling we saw or if there was no improvement in the cervix length, I'd be in for another week. But she seemed positive and confident that wouldn't be the case, so so was I.

But it was the case. Everything looked just the same as it had four days ago.

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I cried when I got back to my room.

The only thing worse than being told I had to stay was calling and telling Ryan so. We had talked the night before about how nice it would be for me to be home. My nurses had said goodbye and my doctor had prepared my discharge orders, which were now probably being shredded somewhere.

The CNA came in and quickly changed my sheets while I broke the news to my mom on the phone. I cried when they left me alone on those sheets—the sheets that mocked me and my hopes of leaving the bed behind for good.

My doctor was busy the rest of yesterday but came in to see me this afternoon. She seemed measured and cautious—much different than she did on Tuesday.

"We have a new goal," she said. "We need to get you to 34 weeks. We might have to keep you in the hospital until then, depending on how things go."

Thirty-four weeks? When I came in we were sure I'd go full term.

The ultrasound, it seemed, and taken her by surprise. She had thought my situation was a simple case of preterm labor. But the results of the scan suggested that my problem is bigger than that—that it's perhaps more anatomical than situational.

She told me things we could do over the next few weeks to slow down labor. She mentioned precautions we can take on my next pregnancy to try to strengthen my cervix. She assured me that I had done nothing wrong. She said we should plan on facing this situation with the rest of our pregnancies.

And as for why I didn't experience this with Lyla? Well, I probably did—it just wasn't as early and I just didn't know it. Even though I was dilated at 36 weeks, we didn't catch it.

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I'm still processing all this. I've been so sure I would go full term that it's a bit of a paradigm shift to hear that we're shooting for 34 weeks. For reference, I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow.

On one hand, I know how fortunate I am. There is a woman on my floor right now, pregnant with triplets at 24 weeks and in preterm labor. I'm sure she would love to be safely at 30 weeks. But I'm still a bit confused about why we're considering 34 weeks a "goal" when I'm not having multiples and I've had a successful full-term pregnancy before.

But for all the questions I have, one thing I've learned is that uncertainty only illuminates what I do know. My heart and mind have naturally turned to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ more over the last few days than they did before. I've remembered blessings I've received. And in the quiet of bed rest, it's a little easier to hear the whisperings of the Spirit.

I know God has a plan for our family and for our sweet little girl. I know He has a plan for exactly how she will get here—I've known that for a long time. And I know this will all work out how He needs it to, no matter what the doctors and I do. That's comforting to me.