Our Story, Part 5: When We Almost Lost It

Part 1 here. Part 2 here. Part 3 here. Part 4 here.

Every love story has the part where you're sure it's all over--when you can't see how things can possibly work out. It's the "you don't know what they have until it's gone" part. A low point.

This is our low point.

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I didn't make the drive from Utah to Idaho for Ryan's birthday. I don't know why. But I spent his birthday alone in the Provo Temple, so I guess that tells you something about my state of mind.

Thinking about Ryan made me feel a lot of uncomfortable things, so I tried not to think about him too much. I knew I was falling in love with him, but it was complicated. I felt excited to get to know him. Anxious about making a wrong decision. Afraid of getting married to young. Guilty for not letting myself fall for him the way he was falling for me. Basically, I didn't quite feel ready to get married. (As if anyone ever does.)

But Ryan hung in there, never overly emotional, always even-keel. When I went home to Idaho for Thanksgiving, Ryan and I spent parts of the holiday with each other's families. It was natural and easy. We went on a date to see Jon Schmidt at the Rexburg Tabernacle, and on the drive home, we started to have The Talk again.

The Talk was the same every time. Ryan would ask if I'd given things any more thought, and I'd wring my hands and say, "I really, really like you, Ryan. I want to see where this can go. But I'm just not sure. I just don't know the way you do."

Then he'd nod in understanding, squeeze my hand and say goodnight. He would give me all the time I needed, he said. And I was taking my sweet time.

But tonight, the conversation was different. He looked agitated. And when I got to the part where I just didn't know, he sighed and threw his hands in the air a little. "Well Bre, I don't know if I do know anymore. This is has been going on for too long. If you're not sure about this, maybe I'm not either."

And on that terrible note, he took me home.

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For some reason I was sleeping in the guest room at my parents' house that night. I stared at the ceiling until late. I couldn't sleep.

I tried to look into my future, which seemed as uncertain to me then as it ever had. I imagined marrying Ryan and having a family together. I remember thinking about the children we would have together, or the life I would have with someone else if things ended with Ryan. I understood, vaguely, the importance of this night. I felt sick with the pressure to make the right choice.

I don't remember who called whom, but I remember talking to Ryan at about 1 a.m. I don't remember now exactly what we said, but I remember realizing that if I didn't do something drastic right then, I was going to lose Ryan Olaveson for good.

And with that thought, everything was suddenly clear. I didn't want to live without him. And if that was true, none of my other questions or fears or doubts mattered.

Ryan was the best person I'd ever met. He'd watched me get my wiggles out while he waited, devotedly and kindly. He always told me he was dating other people, but I knew that wasn't true. And I knew I loved him.

How could I even think of letting him go?

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In the movies, this is the airport scene. The please don't board that plane scene. The pick me, choose me, love me part. I'll just warn you right now, if you don't like cheesy things, stop reading right now.

I jumped in my Volkswagen Beetle and took off down the icy, snow-covered hill that was my parents' neighborhood and drove through the abandoned streets of Rexburg until I saw Ryan standing on the curb outside his apartment.

I don't remember what we said but I remember there was a lot of crying. We both could have decided to end it that night. But instead, we both went out in the cold looking for each other. And that kind of said it all.

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I woke up the next morning far too early. Ryan arrived at my house for church a few hours later looking as exhausted as I felt.

When I opened the door, he stepped in the house and hugged me tighter than he'd ever hugged me before. And for the first time since we met, I hugged him back just as hard.

I'm in this, I thought. I'm so in this.