Empty Closets and Big Dreams

Two nights before we got married, I distinctly remember laying in my bed and staring at my empty closet. I had moved everything into our apartment already, and my room felt eerily empty, devoid of everything I needed to live there long-term.

I'd moved out before, but never like this. Three years prior, I packed up everything I thought I would need for the year and drove my little Geo a mile down the road to college. I later moved to Provo for a semester and even spent a month in New York. But this was different. The room was really empty.

I was really moving, and I had no Plan B. I was putting all my eggs in the Ryan basket. And though I had absolutely no reason to fret, I began to worry that Ryan just might change his mind. The thought of it terrified me more than I'd ever been terrified in my life.

But at the same time I knew that once we were good and married, my closet wouldn't be empty anymore. My closet would be next to Ryan's, and it would be nice and full.

Every once in a while, I get that empty-closet feeling. The feeling that big things are happening—so big that you can't just come home and have everything back to normal if something doesn't go just right. I'm starting to get that feeling with this sweet little baby who makes the cutest little jabs at my ribs a few times a day. I already love this little person so much, and I find myself once again putting all my eggs in one basket.

It's like being engaged again. Most of the time, the whole situation makes me nothing but deliriously happy. But sometimes, I get a little bit nervous. I don't know how to be a mom. I don't know what it will be like to have three people to take care of instead of two. I don't know how it will affect our finances.

But I know the same thing about this little person inside me that I knew about Ryan two years ago—I love it. I love it enough to take big chances, to have big dreams. I love it enough to make big changes. And that kind of love makes those empty closets a lot less scary.


P.S. Are you tired of us referring to the baby as "it"? Us too. But don't fret —we find out on Wednesday if we're having a pretty little girl or handsome little boy! Make your prediction on the poll to the left if you'd like. Or just wait and see. I'm pretty sure it's already decided anyway. :)