Something Old, Something Blue

My parents moved in 1987, just before I was born. They moved into a fantastic 1970s split-level that I called home until I was 10. My bedroom had white lacy curtains and a sliding-door closet. When we moved from that house, I cried like a baby.

As part of that move to Idaho Falls, my parents bought a new dresser for the baby that was coming soon. In other words, for me.

It was hardwood when my parents bought it. My mom painted it white to match my new room when we moved to Rexburg. They gave it to Ryan and I when we got married, and even after we bought a new dresser for my birthday this year, I talked Ryan into keeping it.

We moved across town this spring. (I didn't cry like a baby this time.) As part of the de-junking that always happens with a move, Ryan asked if I wanted to get rid of the old dresser. 

Umm, no. 

A combination of Ryan's kindness, my pregnancy hormones and general nostalgia over that old thing saved it. And now it's going to be our little girl's. But to make it more appealing, I gave it a little makeover.

The date sticker on the back is untouched. Those handles cost under $2 each. It's an adorable color. It's holding her hair bows and cute little clothes right now.

I love it, and I hope she loves it too.

Celebrating Baby

This little girl isn't even here yet, and we're already making a big fuss over her.

A big, pink, frilly, delicious fuss.

As much as I wish I could take credit for the creativity behind our baby shower, I can't. It was all my mom and sister. They know how to properly celebrate a little girl, and from the moment we were all in Idaho over General Conference weekend we got down to business with pink tissue paper, pink toulle, pink snacks, pink cupcakes and pink balloons.

But then all our friends and family stopped by, and I stopped worrying about the decorations. At that point, I mostly just felt very, very loved.

I don't know how we crammed so many people into my parents' living room, but it was wonderful. It could have been my seven-month-pregnant emotions, but I felt so touched when I saw so many people come—aunts, cousins, sisters, nieces, friends' moms, neighbors—to show their love for us and our little girl. And we were so busy chatting and eating and celebrating, we didn't take many pictures until everyone had mostly gone home.

After most of the girls had cleared out and the husbands
were back from priesthood session.

When we came back to Utah and unpacked everything our friends brought to the shower, I felt a lot like I did after my bridal shower. We have so many friends and family members who have done this before and who know what we'll need, and they brought those things for us. They were so generous—we unloaded diapers, baby shampoo, dresses, clothes, books, quilts, stuffed animals, blankets and toys into her little dresser and felt so blessed. On one hand, it made me really excited to meet her and dress her up. And on the other, it made me want to pass the generosity along.

So thanks, everyone. We are one lucky little family indeed.

Busy Busy Busy

Just peeking in to say hello.
P.S. This picture was taken on my birthday. Back when we knew our baby was coming but no one else did. Can you see the excitement in our eyes?

We've been a different kind of busy lately. Summer was a fun busy, in a family-reunions-road-trips-finishing-internships-visiting-family sort of way. But so far, fall has been a little different.

When we got back from Chicago, I looked at the calendar. And I couldn't believe what I saw.

"Ryan, I'm six months along now. Our baby will be here in three months."

That seemed a lot closer than the three-and-a-half months we had left when we headed to Chicago, and it kind of put us in high gear. That week, we bought a crib. The next week, I repurposed our old giant bedskirt into a tiny one (with bows, obviously) for our little girl. I bought pink sheets and mattress covers.

Meanwhile, Ryan was schmoozing recruiters on campus. In the long term, that means securing an internship for this summer that will likely turn into a full-time job commitment once he graduates. It means we're starting to really talk about where we want to be for the next three to ten (that's three to TEN) years of our lives. It means looking into elementary schools for our baby and calculating cost of living in several different states.

In the short term, it means Ryan has brought home two free t-shirts and come home full every day from all the free food. He even brought me home a J-Dawg. Highlight of the week.

Well, almost the highlight. We bought a stroller and car seat, which was pretty awesome. And I fixed up my old dresser this week for the baby's room, and I'm in love. It was just a little paint and some new handles, but I think our little girl really likes it. She's been kicking like crazy since I started working on it.

Or maybe she's just starting to get cramped. I know I am.

So there's a quick little update. When we get more reliable Internet service, I'll show you the new dresser.

Be excited. Be very excited.

Hey, Little Lady

It's hard to describe what I feel when I look at that photo.

That's my pretty little girl. And though I've seen hundreds of ultrasound photos in my life (that's twenty nieces' and nephews' worth of photos), this is completely, 100 percent different. 

We saw our sweet baby's little face on Wednesday, and this is a picture of what we saw. I've never felt anything like it. We watched her heart beat and easily counted all four chambers. We saw the perfect curve of her spine (with no sign of spina bifida). We got a 3D glimpse of her little button nose (we're thinking it's mine) and watched her constantly put her arms up by the sides of her face just like her daddy does when he's sleeping. Ryan held my hand and I saw him differently, too—he's not just my husband anymore. He's her daddy too, and that makes me love him even more.

The ultrasound tech said she was "about 200 percent sure" that our baby is a girl—what a kind baby to make it so clear for us! We listened to her heart beat, saw some images of blood circulation and tried to count toes on her tiny feet (though the ultrasound tech said those tiny feet were actually pretty long). 

In the half hour we spent taking our first peeks at our sweet baby girl, I realized I was already completely wrapped around her teeny, tiny finger. She's a brand new person, and she's coming to Ryan and me. I keep these pictures by our bed and sometimes get teary when I look at them. She's healthy. She's growing. She's perfect. And she's ours.

Empty Closets and Big Dreams

Two nights before we got married, I distinctly remember laying in my bed and staring at my empty closet. I had moved everything into our apartment already, and my room felt eerily empty, devoid of everything I needed to live there long-term.

I'd moved out before, but never like this. Three years prior, I packed up everything I thought I would need for the year and drove my little Geo a mile down the road to college. I later moved to Provo for a semester and even spent a month in New York. But this was different. The room was really empty.

I was really moving, and I had no Plan B. I was putting all my eggs in the Ryan basket. And though I had absolutely no reason to fret, I began to worry that Ryan just might change his mind. The thought of it terrified me more than I'd ever been terrified in my life.

But at the same time I knew that once we were good and married, my closet wouldn't be empty anymore. My closet would be next to Ryan's, and it would be nice and full.

Every once in a while, I get that empty-closet feeling. The feeling that big things are happening—so big that you can't just come home and have everything back to normal if something doesn't go just right. I'm starting to get that feeling with this sweet little baby who makes the cutest little jabs at my ribs a few times a day. I already love this little person so much, and I find myself once again putting all my eggs in one basket.

It's like being engaged again. Most of the time, the whole situation makes me nothing but deliriously happy. But sometimes, I get a little bit nervous. I don't know how to be a mom. I don't know what it will be like to have three people to take care of instead of two. I don't know how it will affect our finances.

But I know the same thing about this little person inside me that I knew about Ryan two years ago—I love it. I love it enough to take big chances, to have big dreams. I love it enough to make big changes. And that kind of love makes those empty closets a lot less scary.


P.S. Are you tired of us referring to the baby as "it"? Us too. But don't fret —we find out on Wednesday if we're having a pretty little girl or handsome little boy! Make your prediction on the poll to the left if you'd like. Or just wait and see. I'm pretty sure it's already decided anyway. :)

Speaking of Baby

I feel like the baby is all I've thought about in the last few months (besides, you know, Ryan getting in to the master's program, moving all our stuff into an apartment across town, looking for a temporary job ... besides all that). But I never blogged about it. So here's what's really been on my mind lately.

1. I LOVE being pregnant. I did spend the first three months feeling like I'd just stepped off a roller coaster, but the nausea wasn't too hard on me all things considered (and I so don't take that for granted).

2. What I lacked in nausea I made up for in exhaustion. Those first few weeks, I could easily sleep 13 hours a day without having any trouble falling asleep at night. Ryan said I was really boring.

3. The official due date is Nov. 30, though that could still change. A little Thanksgiving baby. I can't think of a better time for him/her to come.

4. Speaking of "him/her," we find out on July 13 if it's a boy or girl. At first we were sure it was a boy, but I've been thinking girl lately. Honestly, we don't have a clue.

5. If we find out it's a boy, we're set on names. Probably for the first three of them actually. But if it's a girl, we're going to have to keep talking.

6. OK, OK. I guess I'll tell you. If it's a boy we really like Bennett. We also like James and Max (and Henry and others). We have a lot harder time with girl names, though we do like Quinn, Lucy and Ruby. We will see.

7. I've heard the heartbeat three times now. I love it. I look forward to going to the doctor every month just for that.

8. I want a belly. Like, now. I know it's slower to show up with the first and I know my mom and sister didn't show for a while and I know it's really nice to be able to wear all my normal clothes, but I still want it. I know. I'm so impatient. But I have bags of maternity clothes from my "We're done" sisters that are calling my name.

9. We are completely in love with this little person already. Seriously. In. Love.

First Comes Love

February 2009

then comes marriage

June 2009

then comes ...

arriving November 2011

in a baby carriage.

We love it already.

We are so happy.

And we are so, so excited.