What Works

First of all—wow! Thank you, everyone, for the comments and links to my last post about motherhood and beauty. It makes me so happy when something I write resonates with someone, and I got more of a response for that post than ... probably anything I've ever written, ever. So thanks, everyone. Really, thanks a lot. 

When we first met, Ryan used to laugh at my default answer to almost any question: both. I don't like to make difficult decisions, so I eliminate the need to do so whenever possible. Do I want pepperoni or Hawaiian pizza? Half and half. Do I want to do your homework or go to the football game? I'll study before it starts. Should I have this friend over or that one? Make it a party.

So you can only imagine what my response was when I had to decide whether to keep writing when Lyla was born.

Choosing both in these more difficult decisions wasn't nearly as much of an option for women 50 or even 10 years ago. But with the Internet has come more opportunities to use our time well (and more opportunities to waste it, but that's a subject for another day). I don't have to get up before dawn, catch a bus and be away from home for 12 hours a day to work. These days, I work while my little girl sleeps. Usually in the same room.

Ryan and I spoke at the BYU-Idaho Networking Summit last week. He spoke to CIT students about jobs in IT, graduate schools and internships. I spoke about networking to establish yourself as a freelance writer, which is what I do these days. Once we got there, I realized quickly who I was speaking to. I was one of three women on the 15-person panel and the only mother.

I directed my comments to students like me—women who want to develop their talents and grow in their skills while helping their children grow and develop too. I took care of Lyla throughout the day, and made sure she was happy while I spoke and visited classes. Being a mother is my first job. Writing is my second.

I spoke with Caryn Esplin, one of my favorite teachers at BYU-Idaho, at dinner after the summit. She said, "I think a lot of young women in the Church think they're not supposed to do anything professionally while they're mothers, but there are ways if that's what you want to do. You showed them that. It's good for them to see."

What she said made me think. I know a lot of women who don't work professionally from home and are perfectly happy. I also know a lot of women who do, and they are equally happy. For the right kind of woman, a work-from-home or be-your-own-boss or work-while-the-kids-are-at-school-or-napping job is just the ticket to emotional and mental balance. It made me think of one of my favorite quotes from President Hinckley, one that I reflected on over and over during my dating years. He said of choosing a man to marry,

"Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents."

If you asked me what I love more than anything in the world, I would say, "Ryan and Lyla."
And if you asked me what I'm doing today, I would say "Taking care of Lyla and writing."

And for me, that's what works.

Some Thoughts on Balance

The night I realized Ryan just might be perfect for me.

I remember distinctly the night I put Ryan through my standard dating test. I don't remember considering it a test per se, but I did know that once I brought up the subject he might lose interest just like the other boys I'd dated.

But when I told Ryan that I wanted to do things besides be a stay-at-home mom, he didn't freak out. He completely understood what I meant when I said it, too—not that I didn't want to be a mom, and not that my kids wouldn't have my complete attention and be my highest priority—but that I wanted to do things to enrich my life and develop my talents and even further my career in the spaces between carpools and diaper changes.

He got it. He liked it. He called me the next day. And I realized Ryan could maybe be the one for me.

After we got married, I finished my degree and somehow found my writing making its way to over a million subscribers worldwide. Those were my balanced days. I would study my scriptures on the bus in the morning. I would put in a full day's work at a job I loved. I'd read a novel on the bus ride home. I'd come home and spend time with my handsome husband. I would sew or bake or watch TV at night. I felt peaceful. I felt balanced. I felt enriched.

At the end of the internship, they asked me to stay for another year on a contract basis. If I'd accepted the offer, I'd still work there. Sometimes I wish I had. But I got another offer that seemed like a much better decision at the time—it was a full-time, benefited position closer to home for more pay with no contract.

Hint: If there's no contract, they can eliminate your position without notice. I found myself without a job in April. And since then, I've been ... adjusting.

More than anything, it was hard for me to be home all day. I suddenly had so much time on my hands—more than I ever had. It was difficult to find motivation to get things done around the house when there was no deadline. But after several months of learning and trying and praying and adjusting to being without a full-time job, I've learned to find happiness in taking care of our house, meals and finances.

I've also come to an important realization: the secret to happiness is still in balance.

I took on a couple of freelance writing jobs a few weeks ago. Nothing huge—just some small projects. The combined total hours I've spent working on both projects is less than three days' work in a full-time position. But these projects have done something for me.

I've found that when I write, I become more motivated to do other good things. Writing makes me want to clean up the house. It makes me want to get going on dinner. It makes me feel productive and happy—even if it's just for a few minutes every day. Instead of leading me away from my duties as a wife and (soon) mother, working a little on the side makes me better at them. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say in these ramblings is this: Doing something every day to help me feel enriched physically, emotionally, mentally and—yes—professionally makes me happy. 

I'm happy because I'm balanced. 

Different things make different women happy, but I think we all need to find whatever that is and make it part of our lives, no matter what phase of life we are in. That appropriate life balance is something I hope to always, always keep. For my own and for my family's sake.